I am Ready

I was born a Roman Catholic. Baptized as a little baby, unaware of what was happening. I went to CCD classes in second grade where

I was taught about the stories in the Bible, but I didn't comprehend them and I hardly remember any at all. I

made my first holy communion in my little white dress even though I didn't understand the significance. I picked my confirmation name, Cecilia, completely arbitrarily. I made my first confessions to childish things like accidentally losing my dad's favorite pen. I was "religious" --but not really. Then again who is at age 7? After that my religious life went downhill. I can count on one hand the number of times that I have gone to church

since then. None of what I did in my younger years holds any value anymore. But I wish more than anything that it still did. I want to be religious.

I am attracted to religious people because I wish I was them. I want that rock; that constant support and guidance in my life. I'm ready for it. But I'm not ready for it. I want and try so hard to believe in God, but the idea is so unbelievable and amazing that I can't even fathom it. I don't want to go to church just to go through the motions; I want to feel it and believe it. Sometimes I

want to pray for a sign, but I can't pray to God if I'm questioning

his existence. I need proof. I don't even know if I am truly Roman Catholic. I know my beliefs morally, but I don't know how that relates religiously. I don't know who I am or where I stand. I don't want force-fed religion like when I was younger. I need to know my options so I can decide what I believe. Does it even matter if I'm Catholic or Lutheran or Orthodox or Mormon or Presbyterian?

Does the label make a difference?

I don't even know what the differences are. I am lost in a religious jungle without a map or even a sense of direction. And I'm afraid that I will never be able to find my way out.