Est. 12/09

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Monday, December 28, 2009

All I want for Christmas


Like most youths of today, I made a list of various items that I wanted for Christmas this year. My list consisted of average teenage things; an I-pod touch, Wii fit, clothes, etc. But the one thing I wanted the most was, you guessed it, the cheetah print Snuggie. When the Snuggie was first introduced, I thought it was the dumbest thing in the world. It’s just a blanket with sleeves! But as the infomercials continued, the clever advertising got to me. The craze grew and grew with more colors becoming available, the kid size Snuggie, and the ever popular Snuggie for dogs. According to the website it is perfect for traveling in the car, late night pub crawls, chilly office buildings, sporting events and cold movie theatres. AMAZING!!!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0Ym65h1bmJ0

Christmas day came and after ripping through each wrapped parcel, I found no Snuggie. I was DEVASTATED! How could my parents neglect to buy me my most desired gift?! As the day went on more and more relatives arrived at my house each with their gifts for me. Still no Snuggie! Finally, my grandma arrived. She passed out her presents to my brother, my sister and I. My sister and I began tearing into our boxes. She was a little faster than me and I saw the Snuggie label on her box. All I could think was, “THERE BETTER BE A SNUGGIE IN MY BOX OR I AM GOING TO HURT SOMEONE!” I was relieved when I finished peeling off the paper and a cheetah print Snuggie was sitting on my lap.

It is now three days later I haven’t taken my Snuggie off. I eat, sleep, blog and even take showers in it. Its infinite warmth is so enjoyable that I now completely understand why there were over four million sold in three months. I would recommend a Snuggie to anyone who wants to fully enjoy their life with warmth AND accessible hands.

Friday, December 25, 2009

12 Days of Christmas

Merry Christmas! What a wonderful day to post my very first blog. How exciting! Christmas is a day of giving, the birth of Jesus, and of course, receiving presents. Sometimes you get the present you always wanted and love. But sometimes you receive those presents where you flash a fake smile, say thank you and later complain how that was the worst gift you could possibly receive. Well, I have decided to take a classic Christmas carol (the twelve days of Christmas) and rewrite it to name, in my opinion, the twelve worst gifts you could possibly receive.

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a dumb friend sent to me Twelve tooth brushes to go with the floss, Eleven pet rocks, Ten white socks, Nine deodorants, Eight pencils for school, Seven handmade coupons, Six saving bonds, Five golden snuggies, Four packs of underwear, Three text books, Two paper weights, And dental floss in my stocking.

Why are these gifts so horrible?

Dental floss- There is nothing worst then unwrapping a present and getting floss. I hate to floss and do not want santa giving me the same “gifts” to me as my dentist!
Paper weights- It’s something that just sits on your desk, inactive, and is not needed. If your papers get blown around, then close a window, or find a rock!
Textbooks- Gee thanks! Just what I wanted to be doing over break, getting a head start on future school work. NOOOT!
Packs of underwear- not a fun gift and extremely embarrassing if it being opened in front of a crowd. I do not want my all my family and friends seeing what I wear under my pants!
Golden snuggies- I am not actually sure if golden snuggies exist but it fit the song well. I have to admit, receiving a snuggie wouldn’t be terrible, it would be hilarious. But the thought, of some company selling billions of these blankets with two holes cut out of it, disgusts me. They are making tons of money off a prehistoric invention, the blanket.
Saving bonds- I can’t play with it. I can’t spend it. I can’t use it. I can only look at it. I WANT MY MONEY NOW!
Handmade coupons- I am ashamed to say I am guilty, when I was younger I did make these. Free hug, free babysitting, I will set the table for a day. It’s the gift to give, when you’re broke. It may be cute when you are younger. But when you are older than 6, it becomes a bad gift. And doing it year after year makes it worse and worse.
Pencils for school- Oh great, I think I will go do my homework now with these lovely pencils.
Deodorant- Is this a hint? Do I smell bad? Do you think I don’t already use it? This gift is repulsive. No one wants to be told they smell bad, especially on Christmas! And if you think you are being subtle about it, you are most definitely not!
White socks- You could have at least made them colored. Polka dots, stripes, graphics, give me something on them! White is so blah.
Pet rock- They don’t need to be fed, go to the bathroom, be walked. They don’t come when you call their name. You can’t play with them, you might hurt yourself. Putting eyes on a rock cannot be considered a pet, and whoever is selling them is making almost as much money as the snuggie guy.
Toothbrush- The perfect accessory to the floss.

Overall, I had a very merry Christmas, and hope you did too! Or a Happy Hanukkah, Kwanza, or whatever you celebrate!
Thanks ugly people for reading. Remember the more you read this blog, the prettier you will be! :)

Thursday, December 24, 2009

Gone Wild

Being the first post, i feel the need to say... Welcome to Indefinite Cacophobia! Make yourself at home and visit frequently. I feel as it is only appropriate if I start out saying Merry Christmas! Or as a good friend of mine would say, Mike Yeckley,
Happy ChristmaHanakwanza!
But anyways, 5 days ago my sister came home from college... this was a very happy time for me. In my real life, I grew up with 4 other siblings ... PARTAY every day. Slowly each one of them left me and went across the country... this was a very sad time for me. I have been going out of my mind. (In this time of boredom I have obsessed over many things. For example, making videos of all kinds, being the best at Farmville, and now blogging.) I have deep sympathy for all you only child kids out there. I suppose you don’t really know what you’re missing... which is for your own good. Ever since I was born I have dreamed of being exactly like my older sister Nicole. She came home from college with pink hair. Naturally, I wanted pink hair also. I let Nicole dye my hair pink today. This was a major change in my life. I feel like a new person! I would recommend this to every ugly person out there. Just put a little streak of color to your hair, it spices everything up and will bring you much happiness. On the bottle it said “FOR PROFESSIONAL USE ONLY” But I knew Nicole was a professional... so I let her proceed. It turned out quite nice, so thank you Nicole. I also copy her with many other things. For example: THIS BLOG! progressiveloitering.blogspot.com They were my inspiration, and I would like to give a shout out to Nick and Nicole for their superiority in blog writing. They have inspired me to start a blog of my own ( along side two other awesome authors, kim and tori. ) which will one day surpass their expertness and soon become the greatest blog of all time. I hope all the ugly people following this will feel like they are at home while on this blog. Thanks for reading I’ll miss you until next time.