Rebirth

What does it even matter
The thoughts in my head refute
A tear rolls down my face
I am losing this race

Values are subjective
I need what is best for me
Auspicious thoughts fill my head
But falling flat is what I dread

Preparing to secede
But I am not yet done
My time is not long
I must be strong

My potential lies in the distance
My longing hand reaches out
As I turn over a new leaf
I have new found belief

For better or for worse
This is the only way I know
My obstacles are like friends
I will continue until the end

Behind Closed Eyes

Your eye lids seal you off from the rest of the world. You can dive into the pool of thoughts contained in your brain and conjure up anything you want. You can see into the future. You can reflect on the past. When you close your eyes, there are no limits. There are no hurdles in your way. The world is laid out for you; you just have to decide how you want to use it. When you close your eyes you stop your innermost thoughts from spilling out for everyone to hear; a container for your wildest fantasies and deepest feelings. A filter that allows you to decide what can come out and what must stay in. Every time you close your eyes, for just a blink or for a long sleep, you unlock the door to yourself. When you close your eyes you simply see blackness, but beyond that blackness is the mystery of yourself waiting to be unraveled.

Nothing But A Memory

Dust swirls encircle me,
Missing in the shadows.
Forced into solitude,
Like an old broken toy.

Endlessly wandering,
Whispers fade to silence
As I attempt to advance.
Replaced, there is no room.

A race to get off the road,
Is it really so bad?
Slow down, Let me catch up.
A speck in your rearview mirror.

As the world pulls you ahead,
New life, new town, new memories.
I continue alone on this one-way street
Farther and farther from your future.

With nothing but faded photographs,
I continue to walk.

I am Ready

I was born a Roman Catholic. Baptized as a little baby, unaware of what was happening. I went to CCD classes in second grade where

I was taught about the stories in the Bible, but I didn't comprehend them and I hardly remember any at all. I

made my first holy communion in my little white dress even though I didn't understand the significance. I picked my confirmation name, Cecilia, completely arbitrarily. I made my first confessions to childish things like accidentally losing my dad's favorite pen. I was "religious" --but not really. Then again who is at age 7? After that my religious life went downhill. I can count on one hand the number of times that I have gone to church

since then. None of what I did in my younger years holds any value anymore. But I wish more than anything that it still did. I want to be religious.

I am attracted to religious people because I wish I was them. I want that rock; that constant support and guidance in my life. I'm ready for it. But I'm not ready for it. I want and try so hard to believe in God, but the idea is so unbelievable and amazing that I can't even fathom it. I don't want to go to church just to go through the motions; I want to feel it and believe it. Sometimes I

want to pray for a sign, but I can't pray to God if I'm questioning

his existence. I need proof. I don't even know if I am truly Roman Catholic. I know my beliefs morally, but I don't know how that relates religiously. I don't know who I am or where I stand. I don't want force-fed religion like when I was younger. I need to know my options so I can decide what I believe. Does it even matter if I'm Catholic or Lutheran or Orthodox or Mormon or Presbyterian?

Does the label make a difference?

I don't even know what the differences are. I am lost in a religious jungle without a map or even a sense of direction. And I'm afraid that I will never be able to find my way out.

Disconnected

The bodies are forced in replay from day to day
Sometimes the world stops and falls away
And I'm still here
All my things have dissappeared

The materials walk away and i dont miss them
I try to understand while my mind turns numb
You don't have to wait for me
In this new solitude i feel free

Alone and disconnected
There is someone else here too, but they are silhouetted
They don't have a name or a face
But atleast i know they are in this place

I return to real as my mind patiently heals
The passage softens and I visit back often
I pray it captures me again
There is no justice in this pen

You're empty but you're still there
I wonder if you care
And can you hear me?