to the boys

to the first boy,
you said no one would love me more than you did and you're probably right
you were perfect, we were happy
but i was scared, some girls could be fine, but i wouldn't be

to the second boy,
i love the way you lick your lips before you explain something
and the way you touch my ears
the night you held my hair and that is all
the smell of your leather jacket
and your voicemails so anxious
tickling armpits when it hurt so bad
the way you say my name so fast and excited
you always get your way
i never mind because i like your way
you seemed different with me
but maybe only because i wanted it to be
if you are gone now then why were you here all that time?
i know you don't care and i think about you all the time

to the third boy,
the way things are looking i don't think you qualify to be one of the boys
but there isn't much competition
and if there were only two why would i even write this blog post
if you don't feel anything then stop faking it
your friends have been promoting us for so long
that now it is old even to me
i can hear your voice from so far
i trust your smile
the way your eyes light up when you talk to me
i like that you are free and that you don't like me 

to the fourth boy,
i hope there is a fourth boy

at least i am pretty when i cry

i like to cry
as if it justifies how i feel
the way no one cares until they see the girl is crying
then they start treating her differently
as if it changes everything

my eyes are more beautiful when they are shiny
and it makes me like myself more
the same way i like the boy in testimony meeting more because he cried

well at least someone is happy

all those times when i was so happy 
someone was alone
when the people kept me smiling 
someone was cold
when adrenaline gave me power
someone was lonely
when my friends gave me confidence
someone was insecure
when He gave me purpose  
someone was lost


it makes sense that someone is happy now too 
if only we could all get together