Some friendships aren't meant to last...

I've heard this so many times,

why did it take me so long to believe it?

I'm finally learning to walk away.

to the boys

to the first boy,
you said no one would love me more than you did and you're probably right
you were perfect, we were happy
but i was scared, some girls could be fine, but i wouldn't be

to the second boy,
i love the way you lick your lips before you explain something
and the way you touch my ears
the night you held my hair and that is all
the smell of your leather jacket
and your voicemails so anxious
tickling armpits when it hurt so bad
the way you say my name so fast and excited
you always get your way
i never mind because i like your way
you seemed different with me
but maybe only because i wanted it to be
if you are gone now then why were you here all that time?
i know you don't care and i think about you all the time

to the third boy,
the way things are looking i don't think you qualify to be one of the boys
but there isn't much competition
and if there were only two why would i even write this blog post
if you don't feel anything then stop faking it
your friends have been promoting us for so long
that now it is old even to me
i can hear your voice from so far
i trust your smile
the way your eyes light up when you talk to me
i like that you are free and that you don't like me 

to the fourth boy,
i hope there is a fourth boy

at least i am pretty when i cry

i like to cry
as if it justifies how i feel
the way no one cares until they see the girl is crying
then they start treating her differently
as if it changes everything

my eyes are more beautiful when they are shiny
and it makes me like myself more
the same way i like the boy in testimony meeting more because he cried

well at least someone is happy

all those times when i was so happy 
someone was alone
when the people kept me smiling 
someone was cold
when adrenaline gave me power
someone was lonely
when my friends gave me confidence
someone was insecure
when He gave me purpose  
someone was lost


it makes sense that someone is happy now too 
if only we could all get together

Love is a feeling, not a thought

My head thinks. And my heart feels. But they often get confused. 
Love is weird and hard and easy and confusing and effortless all at the same time. It's something you just have to feel and not think. You can't love someone because it's logical or because it's "good for you". You just love who you love. And that connection and bond is more special and more powerful than words can explain. Even if it doesn't always make sense. Even if it's not always perfect. Love is something that everyone deserves and not something to throw away.

A Not So Simple Poem

Conflicted feelings,

As your name lights up my phone.

The typical 2 AM text.

Vodka hazes my reply,

Forcing my heart to scream

And my brain to whisper.

Long Lost Love

One foot then the other,

A rhythmic, steady pattern.

Once so natural,

Slowly becoming harder

as the love quickly fades

Do Something

Recently,  I have been in a very adventurous mood. I just want to travel and try everything and anything. Unfortunately, track has made that a little difficult but I'm trying to get involved in new stuff as well. This video relates to everything I feel

http://elitedaily.com/life/motivation/this-video-uses-jelly-beans-show-you-how-much-youre-wasting-your-life-video/

I am happy and everyone else can be too.

You know sometimes life is weird. And we get caught up in things. We worry about what will come 5 days from now, 5 months from now, 5 years from now. There is always that constant wonder of "Will this all work out" and "Am I doing the right thing"? It's so easy to get mixed up; confused about what you think you want and what you think you need. Planning out every class you have to take ever in the timeline of your education is actually not something you want or need and it will make you crazy. Thinking about what is going to happen to you in 5 or 10 years is insanity. There is no way to control that or plan for it. Five year plans are actually kind of dumb. Five year guidelines or goals are better I think. You should have a direction. But there is no way that it is at all possible to have a definite, set plan and follow it and it all works out perfectly. That's just not how life works. You just have to take things one day at a time. If you are doing the best you can today and are working toward a goal of some sort, then hey things are looking pretty good. The things we need and want in life are not actually what we need or want at all. We need to feel happy and satisfied and loved. Most of the time the things you really need are right in front of you. The people around you that truly care about you. The things that you have. The things that you are able to do. Those are what matter. The beauty of life is that you have these things. These opportunities and relationships. Life is not about doing A + B + C to get to D. Life doesn't happen on a scheduled timeline that is the same for every person. Life is unique and wonderful and spontaneous. Life is about living and loving and doing your best along the way. Life is awesome.

MARRIAGE ISN'T FOR YOU

http://sethadamsmith.com/2013/11/02/marriage-isnt-for-you/


This also relates to everything Caitlin wrote about to me in my last letter. So I think this is partly from her. The timing was perfect.

WHY?

Why do I want what I can't have?
Why can't I let myself fall?
Why do I keep playing mind games?
I need answers, yet am getting nothing.

A Learning Experience

I am so completely grateful for every opportunity I have to learn and grow as a person and this semester has allowed me to do that in so many ways already. I am learning so much academically and about myself and my life. I have learned that I am not in fact super woman and I can't do everything, no matter how much I try to and want to. I have learned that I have limits and I need to respect those limits and work within them. I have persevered through sickness. I am learning how to deal with missing someone so so much that it almost hurts. I am learning what I want and don't want in a relationship and in my future. I am learning so much about medicine and the human body, which I never ever pictured myself doing. But I'm loving it. I learn so much at my job. How to work with other people. How to be respected when I am so young. How to manage children. How to be a coach. I am also learning so much about my future career and what it really means to be a dietitian. All of the work that goes into it and the many many things I can do once I graduate. It's so exciting and I love it. Everything that happens just affirms that I am doing the right thing. I love learning and I hope I continue to learn every single day for the rest of my life.

Perception

I keep looking for an adventure to go on, but I think I'm already on one.

Hi. I run.

I started a new chapter of my life running DII cross country. And that's what I do now. I run. A lot. I'm the slowest one on the team and I was embarrassed about that but really being a walk on is something to be proud of because you have to put in so much work and you don't even get money for it. And I'm realizing that I actually have the sweet life because I can train with these amazing athletes and work every day to improve myself, my times and my overall fitness. But there is basically no pressure. I'm not expected to be one of the top runners or get any medals. So I can just do me and focus on that and still have a fun team atmosphere.

I think running is so great because you can clearly chart your results and see improvements. It is important to always be moving forward and moving up in your life, in everything you do. My fitness and health is important to me and this new challenge I have taken on is difficult but I know it will make me a better runner and a better person. And I hope that my positivity and will to achieve will transfer over to other aspects of my life and maybe it will transfer to someone reading this blog.

I love running, I love my life, I love my friends and family and I love being able to share that.

Not truly the end

The jokes we hear endlessly repeated cease;
suddenly we desire to hear them once more.
Although the laughter has died down,
a hint of a smile still remains at the thought.

I always knew you were always spectacular but
it took you leaving for me to truly understand your legacy.
Although the countless baseball games have ended,
your name is still glorified in the papers.

Countless words of praise from strangers;
I smile, never fully understanding the imprint you left on their lives.
Although you can't speak to us anymore,
your voice is still heard in every single one of them.

As for me, you were my biggest fan
and my biggest role model.
Although the pictures fade,
our memories will live on.

These Girls Be CRAAAAZZZYYY

So I have almost survived my first week as a camp counselor. Most. Exhausting. Job. Ever. And I'm making less than 3 dollars an hour. In my bunk, we have 15 girls (going into sixth grade) and three counselors. Thank God I love my co workers... they keep me sane. I absolutely love my girls. They are SO energetic but so far I am keeping up with them. Despite getting attitude, stressed, not many please and thank yous (summer goal) and having someone asking for a piggy back ride at all times... I love this job. This camp is unreal. All buildings look brand new, the activities they can choose from are awesome (woodshop, wearable art, skate park). The kids get sweets anytime they want (and me too) and they have anything they would ever need. I'm pretty sure they have enough clothes to not repeat an outfit, the entire six weeks. One girl brought her own toilet paper because she said ours isn't soft enough. Yes, they are all loaded as if you can't tell.

We have one creepy girl who is a debbie downer and all the kids complain that she sometimes touch her weird. So thats a problem we are gonna have to figure real soon.

Although, I fear that I am turning into my mother. I nag constantly and I am not cool because I thought peace signs were in so... I guess I'll stop doing that now. I'm working on becoming more hip.

I'd also like to announce that I'm engaged. I sat with a boy on the bus so naturally my girls took that as meaning that I'm getting married. It's good to know I won't be alone for the rest of my life though.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I started writing this post a very long time ago and never found a free moment to finish it. With camp over, I finally have time to sit back and reflect on it.

This might have been one of the greatest summers of my life. I loved learning about my international friends. It made me realize that I should try to be more adventurous and step out of my comfort zone. I need to open my eyes to more experiences. There is so much I don't know about because I have not made the effort to learn and to travel. They have inspired me to plan a trip to backpack through Europe either this summer or the one after. This is our time to do that while we are young.
I have learned so much about myself. Particularly, about patience and how to connect with everyone. Obviously, some children were easier than others to connect. There was one child, Kaitlin, who reminded me so much of myself. I'd be lying if I didn't say she was my favorite. Just because it was easy with her doesn't mean it wasn't easy with everyone. Not having that much patience going into camp, I learned to take the time to get to know each girl in my bunk. Everyone is unique and has great qualitites. It was up to me to take the time to learn them.
I can't stress how great this summer was. I hope I get the opportunity to do it all over again next summer!

Clean Sweep

*Disclaimer: I am not an expert on this topic. I just have an opinion I want to share. 

My new obsession is clean eating. (I say obsession because I'm really into it right now, but who knows how long this will last) There is no real specific definition or set of guidelines you have to follow to “eat clean”, but it basically means that you eat foods in their most whole and natural form. The less processed something is and the fewer ingredients it contains, the better off you are. So you mostly eat fresh fruits and veggies, less saturated fat, less added sugars, more lean proteins and whole-wheat grains. There are so many weird chemicals in our food it’s disgusting. Aspartame, Sucralose, and really any fake sugars scare me. In my mind I can feel myself getting cancer from them. Same goes for fake butters. Food dyes. Preservatives. Genetically modified foods. They are not from nature; therefore our bodies were not designed to process them. It only makes sense to eat what we were born to - natural foods in their whole form.

Like any new thing you try, it’s best to ease into it. Make one meal a day “clean” and increase from there until there are little to no processed foods left in your diet. It’s really difficult and inconvenient a lot of times, but in my mind I know it makes sense and is better for my body. It’s also really difficult when you are the only one in your house doing it. I cave to peer pressure a lot.

I also highly considered going without dairy. We are the only animals that drink another animal’s milk. Our bodies are not made to digest it, which is why so many people are lactose intolerant. Then I realized that this would mean no ice cream and no yogurt. Two things I might die without. Although I have switched to almond milk and I don’t use cheese all that often, so that’s a start I guess? I like the idea of not eating dairy; I just don’t like actually not eating it. Maybe one day I’ll get there.

If you want to learn more about this, I recommend watching Food Inc. It’s an awesome documentary that reveals the disgusting secrets behind how our food is made. Kind of along the same lines as Supersize Me. It focuses a lot on meats (a slight nod to Sinclair’s The Jungle), but it shows in general how twisted the food industry in our country is. Our food is becoming like our media; it's all distorted because it's all owned my a handful of large companies. It’s an important issue and it’s equally important to remember that you control what you put in your body as fuel.

Okay I think I'm getting too serious for this blog. Really I just want everyone to be happy and healthy and eating what is right for their body and right for our environment. It's easier said than done, but worth it in the end.

Rise Above

Success in life is not about financial "success". I want to be morally, spiritually, personally successful. I want my thoughts and actions to have positive impacts on myself and others. I want to know that the things I do and say have meaning. I want to know that when I leave this life I will be remembered for my soul and my passion, not my riches. That, to me, is true success.

Affirmation

Like every other person on the planet, I like knowing that the life path I have set up for myself is the right one. There never really is a way of knowing. But sometimes those little things just happen and pieces fall into place and you just know in your heart that you are in the right place at the right time and doing the right things. And it feels amazing.

This fall I am going to school to study nutrition. Which I love. I love food. I love chemistry. I love being healthy. I love exercise. But you never know what's going to happen. I thought I loved journalism at one point and we all know how that turned out. There is always a little bit of self-doubt in the back of your mind. Especially with such a big decision. This is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. 

To help myself build up credits, I'm taking a few classes this summer. One of them is psychology. Which I found out is actually super interesting and I very much like doing work for that class. Everything is all in your mind. I've said that forever. Most of your life is in your mind, what you mentally make of it. Your emotions and attitude. Completely up to how you perceive them in your mind. If you think you are happy, you are. If you think your life sucks, you get depressed. Well apparently there is a whole science dedicated to these thoughts I have. Crazy.

Also this summer, I have to read a book before I go to school this fall. I thought it was going to be something really dumb about how college is going to help me in life and blah blah blah. Turns out the book is all about how our brain works and correlates perfectly with my psychology class. Score. So I'm reading the first chapter and it's all about how exercise increases cognition and decreases risk for so many diseases. I could go on and on for ages about how important it is to be physically active in life. I want to be that 75-year-old grandma who still goes to kickboxing classes. That could be a whole different post. But basically the chapter said that our memory and mental alertness and intelligence and the way we age in general significantly improves even with just 20-30 minutes of physical activity a few times a week. Our species was built to walk some 12 miles a day, not to sit in an office for 8 hours a day. It makes sense and it's so cool. The book is called Brain Rules if you want to check it out.

I think I may have digressed a bit too much. The point of this post is not to show you how awesome psychology and exercise are. The point is that I happened to take this psychology class, which happened to relate to this book I'm reading for school, which happened to relate brain activity to physical activity and diet, which happens to relate to the major I have chosen. All of these little intertwined things fell into place and I just had this moment of "Whoa, things all make sense". It made me feel like I'm doing what I'm supposed to be doing and I feel great about it. Sometimes a little bit of affirmation is all we need.

What are you waiting for?

If this is genuine, show me.

Goodbye Caitlin, Hello Hermana Egan

For 18 months our dear friend Caitlin has made the remarkable decision to dedicate her life to serving a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of the Latter Day Saints. Her courage, positivity, enthusiasm, wisdom, and true passion for everything she does will make this one of the best times of her life. The people that she will get to teach truly don't understand how lucky they are. Caitlin has taught me so much through the years and I will always admire her for the astounding character traits, morals and values that she holds. We have had so many memories together, including this blog (which will be lacking in her awesome posts for a whole year and a half). I will miss her so much and I wish her the best of luck in all that she does. I know she is so strong and more than ready to take on this challenge. Love ya Cat! 

I'm graduating?

A year and a half ago I made one of the hardest decisions of my life. I gave up my spot at one of the best journalism schools in the country to go to community college. My whole high school life was all focused on grades and GPA and AP classes and who was going to be in the top 5% of the class and that's all I knew. So for ME to go to community college; it felt so wrong. I felt like I was cheating myself. I know I can do better than that and push myself more than that. Even to this day it still pains me to have to tell people that I go there. 

Most of my assumptions about the college were right. The people are their own unique breed. The classes are at or below high school level. We're in our last semester and some lady asked me how to turn on the gas stove in the kitchen. I saw one of my classmates at my sister's musical...because her daughter was in it.  The cool hang out is the smoker's pavilion. Most people struggle with basic math skills.

But for as much as I didn't learn there, I learned a lot. About myself and about life. I met people who changed me and my perspective. I went to cross country nationals (lol). I learned that it's much more satisfying to do what you love and find out that you're kinda good at it, than do what you're good at and hope that you kinda like it.

Now in a few short weeks I will be graduating with an Associate's degree in Baking and Pastry Arts. And as much as I thought I wouldn't, I will miss that little place. I'll think about it sometimes and laugh. I know I'm moving on to bigger and better things. But I can leave saying that I'm happy that I went to Westmoreland County Community College. And that's good enough for me.

Terror

It started as the most looked forward day of the year,
continually cheering,
continually inspired as they run by.
we get a text. a bomb. disbelief spreads.
How? Our friends are there.
Panic.
Our friends are running.
Our friends should be crossing the line.
Speechless, I sit in a daze watching the news.
The news seems to be on repeat
As a talk to my dad, I feel the tears swell.
I know people there.
Why aren't they answering?
Texts roll in,
but not from the friends I am looking for,
people I haven't talked to in months reach out to me,
worried for my safety,
but I'm not the one in danger.
Why aren't they answering?
We huddle around the tv,
all we have is each other.
Finally, sighs of relief,
 as one by one I hear of friend's safety.
But whoever did this is out there.
and people are hurt.
Innocent, strong and talented people,
their families weren't as lucky as me.
Rumors continue.
Will there be more?
Are we safe?
Should we leave?
More panic.
Civilian heroes emerge,
Boston doesn't back down.
The community remains strong.

-----------------------------------------

A week passes,
we get texts of lockdowns,
this time I am safe in North Carolina.
He is running,
just 19,
how could he induce this much terror?
Why would he induce this much terror?
Boston becomes a ghost town in search.
Boston remains strong,
forcing me to do the same.
Faith in my city,
Faith in my home.
House by house,
he is still running.
How can I focus,
when he is two miles from my friends?
I run for Boston.
I run for those who couldn't.
I keep my mind elsewhere.
The lockdown ends,
but he continues to run.

---------------------------------------

Finally.
good news.
Eyes glued to the TV once again,
my faith does not waver,
Boston is strong.
we got him.
alive.
God bless America,
There are not enough thank yous
that will suffice for our police
and the celebrations begin,
cheers nationwide,
Boston remains strong.
Wicked strong.

Goodbye Stars: Thank You For The Light

Countless stars

With few in view

Ones that you need

Will give light to you

You will know them

You will love them

They will touch you

They will leave you

They came to you

On their personal quest

Kept passing through

Swirling to the west

A Body in motion

Tends to stay in motion

Nothing stays frozen

Change knows no emotion

Wind will run

Water will rush

Our Earth will rotate

Your stars will swirl

Move with elements

Amongst the thrill

Dance with change

Why would you stand still?

Why would you wait

Until new stars find you

Be the friend those stars were to you

Keep their light as something to look to

Dear Stars,

Thank you

I hope whom you are with now

Loves you like I do

Present Moment

Our freedom, peace and joy in the present is the most important thing we have. We can't spend time anxious about the past or the future. We cannot live in fear. We must see that happiness is already around us. We must acknowledge and appreciate it. We must witness the miracle of impermanence, as that the world is constantly in motion. Nothing is the same, everything is changing. Appreciate and value these changes. Our happiness is in the present moment and we need to notice and treasure it. 

filling out work papers

eagerly, carelessly
the pen flows its mundane way 
I lay my agreement down hastily
nonchalantly I promise
I endorse the unknown paper
my signature sleeps on the thin black line
my vow sits dormant
my word

overdose rhyming

don't we all want connection
but we all fear rejection
don't we all have infection
but we search for perfection
don't we all need affection
but we receive correction
aren't we subject to inspection
but we make are own selections
we are all focused on our protection
but we all need reflection
before we can get that connection

R.I.P. FRIENDS

our friendship was laid down to rest
it hurt me the most though i never confessed 
if we all miss it then why did it quit
i have never had anything as good as we fit
you cannot know how much i needed you
and i don't want to search for anything new
because i have looked around and no one's like you

The Bench Show

i look at that rust and chipped paint 
and i wonder about the life that bench has had
i wish i could click a button and a television would appear
displaying every person creature and element
that ever meant something to that bench
how old are you bench?
it is a good thing that there isn't a television for this bench
because it is likely older than me and also older than i will be
and if i watched the whole show my life would be gone
maybe i will just wonder about my own life so i can keep mine